Welcome to all who suffer...

[jenniferleigh]

You are doing everything you can. How were you able to keep working after u were caught for diversion, or do they allow u to keep working during an investigation? Either way it is very good that u went to treatment-not so much for the board but for yourself. How r u doing working on a floor unmonitored where u scored drugs. my concern for u would be how are u able to stay away from the drugs? What will probably happen is this. It varies state to state because god forbid there is any consistency with the boards. Once they find out that xyz happened they usually suspend your license for 3 months. This seems like a long time but you have no idea how lucky u r because in some states like in nc it is up to a year before u can reapply. anyway during that time u must provide them with the documentation that u went to tx and that you have been staying clean. they will not take your word on that, they usually require you to attend aftercare for one year, show your meeting attendance on signed mtg sheets, do random urine testing which u pay for yourself once they give u your conditions, and for some states u have to write a relapse recovery plan and sign various contracts etc..the usual time u r on contract is 3 years. r u going to meetings? do u have a sponsor? r u staying clean? in terms of the lawyer-very good. these things very rarely require u to do any jail time, the hospital usually never wants to press charges due to bad publicity etc. u definately will not be able to work on med surg, unless your boss is really cool and they already know about your situation. you will not be able to pass drugs (narcs) for at least one year-so another nurse would have to give out those meds for you. It is possible to do it, don't get me wrong. But in my experience it is very difficult to work in the same place that i stole drugs from. sometimes the reality it that it is just not as fun to be a nurse unless you feel the same way u did while deverting. it is just the truth. it takes time, but i certainly would not expect an alcoholic to go back and work in the bar. heavy **** i know, i am totally here for u and will help, talk, listen whenever. make sure you are very very careful as to what you say to the bon. trust me often what u think is confidential information may become public in the future. read my first post on this link. hang in there-it will be ok, don't use no matter what. stats show that nurses that participate in the alternative program have a 85% sucess rate of staying clean and not totally abliterating themselves (most importantly) and their careers secondarily. my spelling sucks when i am typing fast so please excuse xoxojl

[lpRN13108]

First of all I am so glad to have found all of you..although we have never met I feel like I have found a place where I belong and it feels good..

I'm looking for information from anyone who has recovered from the benzos-alcohol combination. I have been clean since 1/31/08, but after more than 30 days I still have trembling in my body,numbness and tingling in my hands,feet and face,and difficulty sleeping. my sx. have improved alot since my inpatient stay. I am wondering how long anyone else has continued with the Sx. of withdrawal? I'm not sure if this is withdrawal or just anxiety that I have to learn to deal with. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
lp

[jenniferleigh]

Hang on babe, I have been through the same. benzos are etoh in a pill form-as u probably know. Anyway there r 2 substances that can kill u if u don't detox correctly-and those r the 2. That is so very good that u went through in patient. It took me 20 days in a detox center to come off it. i was taking 4-5 mg xanax/day-not proud of that it is what it is-or was i should say-thank god. anyway then i went to a long term tx center and they put me on neurontin and atenolol for the shakiness from coming off that stuff. They both helped alot. Also alot of the "mood stabilizer" drugs work well. Lamictal for example. For sleep I have found that seroquel is great. they also use this for people with anxiety during the day as well. All these drugs are safe. Always tell your dr you are in recovery and bring him that list that the bon gave us-do u have that? If not i can get it to you. Don't give up, it will get better-talk to your dr about safe tx methods. It really works. I remember in detox i was given phenobarb and and I ended up having 2 seizures and literally chewed through 5 shirt sleaves. We r all so f--ked up, sometimes it is funny to really look at all the stuff we did, and really thought nobody else could ever understand. Thank god for nurses in recovery. Don't get me wrong-anyone with clean time that is working the steps is wonderful, but nurses helping nurses is so very valuable. Don't use no matter what. I promise it will get different and eventually much, much better. Live today, you deserve it and u r worthy of a wonderful life. we all r. xoxo jl

[Desilou]

Hi there, thanks for responding. It makes me feel better to get this off my chest and get advice from someone who knows what I am going through. First of all the reason I am still working on a med/surg unit is because I am licensed in 2 states. This occurence that just happened when I found out the board is putting me under investagation (and now prosecuting) happed with my Illinois license. I moved out to Wisconsin before I found out about the Illinois thing and got my WI license. I was fired from a job in Illinois for refusing a drug test and suspicious narc documentation. I thought I got away scotch free, until 9 months later I got a notification from a damn inspector from the IL Dept of Prof Regulation. I was/am devasated. I am very happy at the current job I have here in Wisconsin and I dont know what I am going to do, or how long it would take for my Wisconsin license to be affected. I have a lawyer who specializes in cases like this and is sort of helping me through this, for the legal aspect anyway, but I just have a bad feeling about this and am worried sick every single day about what the hell I am going to do with my life-I feel like everything I did to prepare for this nursing career has just gone down the drain. I wasted time, money and lots of stress/effort. I am so so so sick of worrying about this crap and wish it would just get over with already so I can start to move on with my life. But until I know how the board wants to handle this, it is just a waiting game. Its really messing with my head, and makes me want to use again. I have been clean for awhile now, but the way my diseased brain thinks is why stay clean if im just going to have a good for nothing license anyway? Anyway, sorry for rambeling, thx for reading. I just wish I could teleport to like 3 years from now and know where my life will be so I can stop worrying about what will happen to my license.

[lpRN13108]

Thanks for the support
It's nice to know that others have been through this and are doing well today.

[sohpie1]

Desilou~~Coming to this website also helps me remember I'm not alone.
I have a license in 2 states but I didn't have issues in the primary state of my license. I started the "avalanche" of using when I moved to a different state. I believe I've read about this question on this website. It would take a while but you might read through several threads. I wonder if it would help to do a search. What does your attorney say? You stated the worrying makes you want to use. From what I've learned most of the time we used over feelings....feelings of fear/depression/etc. I am "addicted to certainty"....and I would possibly use if I hadn't developed faith that my higher power helps me in adversity. Do you attend 12-step meetings? I've found they are essential to my recovery. I've also met several nurses over the 2 years in the N.A. program. Their insight has been helpful. I have empathy for what you're going through. It was hard for me in the beginning. Looking back, I realize (from what I've been taught in N.A.) that I had to "go through it (with courage and help) to get through it. In the past I simply wanted to numb myself so I didn't have to face reality. It isn't always easy but it's getting MUCH better each day. You WILL make it through this....just don't use and find additional support from some type of 12-step meetings. Remember, sometimes it's darkest before the dawn. I will pray for you. Hugs.

[Desilou]

thanks for the support sophie, u put a glimmer of hope in my day. I am starting 12-step meetings by the way...thx again. Ill keep in touch

[jenniferleigh]

We have alot of things in common. Here is a part of a post that i put under a different title yesterday-
You are blessed. I waited for years to hear "well now it is your turn honey, I will take care of everything because u sure have done it for me over the years!" Needless to say I never heard that and my husband and I ended up separating. Which for me was a very good thing. We r friends now but he is a hot holloween mess in his own right. He does not have a drinking problem (according to him of course) because his work was never impared nor did he take pills so he is A ok. I am so glad I know that it is my job to take care of me today and not be a part of all that s-it. I will tell u all the things u have to do for the nsg board gets very costly to say the least. I made a wopping 22,000 last year due to having to file for un-employment and working at bulls--t jobs just to make ends meet. I will tell u this though. I have never been happier. I have bills up the wazoo but I started a new job on monday and it is in the ballpark of what i made in nursing. I decided to give up my license because it was a mess. I self reported back in 2004 and had to wait for 1 year to re-apply for licensure.. But... I was in the alternative program-first self reported back in 2002 in Michigan. All ok, but then when I moved to nc-i had to get my license here and join the alternative program here or they were going to suspend my lic in mich-just because when i left the state, the monitoring co. was mandated to report to the nsg board. ok i get that, they r "protecting the public." So I joined the alternative prog here and participated from oct 2003-Jan 20, 2005. The whole thing was a joke to me. I figured since i reported myself i could do what i like to call buffet style recovery. The only thing on my buffet it was empty. I forged documents and never dropped dirty-but i was using all of 2004. O my god-talk about it coming back with a vengence. Once i put that drink to mouth, it was on. Soon there after i started doing oxys and many other narcs, and my tollerance was so high, i wasn't even getting high, it was just preventing me from getting sick. The only place i had left to go was heroin and i knew if i went there i would never go back. So very long story short, i got my lic back in oct of 06 and looked for a job for 11 months. we are talking tons and tons of interview. nobody would hire me. Anyway in Sep of 07, i went to the board and said i was done. I said thank you, but i no longer want to play this game. Not because i used or anything god no-i have almost 3 1/2 years. But then they suspended my lic-and said it was breech of contract and sent all my info to the national provider data bank place and the info is supposed to be confidential. well it is not and even though i had not practiced in cali or colorado for many years, just because i was once licensed there colorado suspended my licen and california revolked it. I was like -Whaaaaaat!!! I contacted both states and they were like, well we are just basing our decision to do this based on what happened in nc. I told them it was like getting a speeding ticket in nc and then cali and co give me one too, just because i was once a driver in that state. Un fortunately i cannont do anything about this and the info will be in this data base "forever." O by the way it is all public record now since each nob website publicly presents all the disciplinary actions on their web sites. Nice. So now this monday i started a job that is with a company that puts together the educational material for CEUs for md, pa, nurse prac, and nurses. ha ha. I may try and convinced them to do a presentation on addiction. of course i have to fly under the radar because even if someone does a background check on me all this stuff shows up. So much for the nursing board protecting you. Your life is more important then any damn nursing license. Take it from me, i did it the hard way. Don't get me wrong there are many guys and gals out there that have successfully completed "the program." For me I just know i need to move on with my life with out this haunting mess. Just for today, don't use no matter what. There is nothing i can't get through clean. I know that today, and it is better then any drug I ever did. Thanks for listening to this big dump, but it helps for me to get it off my chest and hopefully help another person, especially if that person is a nurse. xoxoxox jl

[newme]

Hi Guys, After reading all that was just said, I'm scared to death to reapply for my liscence. I'm in TX, went through rehab and have been seeing a LCDC for a year now. If I do get my liscence back am I going to be able to get a job? It sounds like I'm not. While i was in rehab last yr i was served with divorce papers and my children live with him. This is a lot of stress and now i am worrying about reapplying and going befor the board and there is still the possibility that i may never work as a rn again! Does anyone have any input? Thanks

[lpRN13108]

It sounds like you have a case of the "what ifs". My LCDC is always telling me that I should join a carnival act because I am convinced that I can see the future and what is going to happen before it happens. He is right I think I have to look ahead and see what the outcome is going to be to prepare myself for it. Like you are trying to do with your divorce,kids,license. Problem is that my tiny little brain can't handle thinking about anything but today..as soon as I start letting myself get the what ifs my addictive brain turns on and says lets have something to calm us down this is a stressful situation. When I was reading your words I could feel the panic in them. I find that most of the things I pre-worry about are things which I have no control over anyway. Focus on what you do have control over, and what you can do to make your life better for today. I hope you realize that your nursing license is not who you are. I became a nurse so that I could be somebody, but now I realize I have to be somebody to myself first before I can be anything else. Practice telling yourself that you are a good person
Sometimes I have so much trouble thinking past today that I write down a list of what I need to do today..when you see the few simple things on the list it reminds you to slow down.
take care