Just for Today

[lpRN13108]

Hey thanks for the support and wisdome Jenn. It is so nice to have people to talk to who ACTUALLY DO understand what I'm going through. I value the friendship and support on this site so much..that is the first thing I do when I log in to my work computer is log in to this site and see if there are any new messages.To naswer your question about my husband having beer in the house..he asked me when I first got home from the hospital and at that time I wasn't really having any urges or cravings and I don't even like beer so I said it didn't bother me for him to have it..but now that I am off the "pink cloud" of sobriety it does bother me and I just haven't spoken up and asked him not to.
I am glad you were able to share your news with at least some of your family, just remember not to let anyone cross your happy boundary..there issues with your life choices are just that..THEIR ISSUES! I am thrilled for you and can't wait to hear all the updates about how your pregnancy is progressing.
Laurie

[lpRN13108]

Well it is definately Monday. I woke up this morning and my first thought was yep here we go again..same life different day. I tried working for about 30 mins. this morning but couldn't keep my mind focused at all. My house is a good display of my mental state this last week. It is piled with stuff everywhere..I am back to not even thinking about keeping it organized until it is bedtime and I realize that I never washed any clothes all weekend. I am back to feeling useless,worthless,and purposeless today. I'm even too tired to think about wanting a drink..just want to sleep.

[Crazy_Dog_Lady]

Did you drink/drug today? Did you shower, eat, get dressed? Please give yourself credit for the positive things you are doing. Don't be so hard on yourself. Easy does it, and all that. Try to get to a meeting, call another woman in the program, read the literature. I remember early sobriety, and how painful it was. I was my worst enemy. Others weren't judging me, I was. Here is a link to the program that helps me daily. I read your posts everyday, and you are helping so many with your honesty. Have a better day.
12Step.org for Sobriety, Strength and Serenity - Home

[lpRN13108]

Thank You for the kind words. Yesterday was very bad but I did not drink. Unfortunately I did not do anything else either. I was too tired mentally to be awake..I took 2 extra doses of my seroquel during the day so I could stay asleep. I know that is giving in to my addictive behavior but I just didn't have the strength to do anything else. I will check out the website you gave me above thanks again.
So today is day 22 of my sobriety and it is a little better than yesterday. I am up working at my computer anyway. I got an e-mail from my boss that she needs me to go see my PCP and get a note about the time I have missed last week and yesterday..YUCK! I have not seen him since I OD'd on the pills he prescribed for me..should be a fun lecture I'm sure..and if he won't give me the note I need for missing time due to illness..I will be fired!! So I'm already feeling anxious,angry and resentful this morning..but at least I'm feeling something. I felt nothing yesterday. I was talking with my husband over the weekend about selling our house and moving to Massachussetts..I was looking for another geographic cure for how I am feeling I guess. He said NO we have tried moving many times and it doesn't help you at all with how you feel. Wow I think he is starting to pay attention to me a little? I have an appt. with my therapist today and a meeting with my home group tonight..hopefully I will have strength and willingness to attend..talk to ya all tommorrow..May God Bless Us All Today!

[lpRN13108]

Happy Humpday Everyone
Yesterday did turn out to be a better day. The visit to the PCP office was not as bad as I thought it would be. He didn't lecture me at all instead he told me that I was not the only one of his pts. with chronic lyme disease to attempt suicide. He said that because I had lyme meningitis I have permanent damage to my brain because of the infection and psychiatric illness are very freq. seen. He increased my zoloft and gave me lidocaine patches to replace the vicodin I used to take for pain. He sounded so genuine when he said he was sorry this disease had struck me at such a young age but these are the symptoms that I have to live with for the rest of my life now and i need to make sure that i and those around me are watching for any changes in my behavior. Wow if I worried everytime I had a change in behavior..it would be constant as you all know from reading my daily updates. Everyday is a diff. Laurie.
I saw my therapist after my MD visit and that helped alot. Then I did attend the meeting with my home group and that was good too. Today is starting off kinda rough because I didn't take my seroquel last night so I didn't sleep more than a couple hours, and I had the pain in my head and neck from the lyme. I tried the lidoderm patch but didn't see any relief at all. I am going to get down on my knees and ask God to take me through the day..that is my new philosophy because there are so many things going on in my life medically,psych,work,financially,relationships that if i try to handle them alone I will go crazy again..so I am just going to get up in the morning and ask God to deal with it for me..I'm pretty sure that is my only hope of survival at this point!
Also here are some other support websites I gave me earlier
myRECOVERYspace
Drug & Alcohol Treatment & Rehabilitation Center - Call for help - 800-784-4791
12Step.org for Sobriety, Strength and Serenity - Home
May we all be guided by a power greater than our addictive selves today!

[lpRN13108]

Good Morning All
Today is my 24th day of sobriety and it is not starting out too bad. I asked God to take over as soon as I woke up and some good things have happened already.I had a quality review with my boss and found out that my pay scale was increasing so that was a nice surprise. I have no thoughts for alcohol yet today, but I do wish I could take vicodin to get rid of my head and neck pain. I know that is no longer an option for me and I have accepted it so I am trying other things. I am open to any pain management suggestions you all have too. The lidoderm patches do not seem to help much, and heat and ice are so short lived relief, but enough whining about my aches and pains. I found this online 12 step daily journal on the website 12step.org for sobriety,strength and serenity..I started yesterday writing out the 1st step..those who had suffered because of my using. It was painful to see in writing how many people I had hurt..people that you don't think about until you are listing anyone who you lied to,stole from,avoided etc. I couldn't believe how long my list ended up being, but it was a good way for me to keep accountable for my behavior. Check out the website and you download the journal free..if anyone does and can't figure out how to get the daily step on there..let me know and I can explain how. I hope we all have a Good Day!

[lpRN13108]

TGIF Everyone!
Today is a nice sunny day in Maine, not quite as warm as I like but we are supposed to hit 50 so should be nice. I am feeling very happy today..which scares me a little. Whenever I get on the pink cloud I am usually heading straight into a storm. I only work til noon today then go do some scrapbooking with my grandmother. I look forward to that because I never know how much time I have left to spend with her since her cancer is progressing rapidly. Then we are going to celebrate my other grandmother's 83rd b-day, then I'm off to a meeting. Tomm. my husband is taking me away to a nice hotel to relax in the hot tub..who wouldn't love that right? So I have all this fun planned and here I am worrying about how I MIGHT feel afterward. I usually get a sense of let down and loneliness after I do something really fun..but I have to remind myself to just think about today..and even that is up to my higher power. I probably won't update again until Monday, but I will let you know how my plans turned out. Remember to Love Yourself this Weekend!

[lpRN13108]

Well I was right about that nervous worried feeling. I thought I was feeling that way because I was going to feel a let down after all the "fun" was over..actually in hindsight now I think I was feeling anxiety because I didn't feel like I was ready to go out of my safe zone for a weekend. Well I was right on both counts. My husband and I went to a nice resteraunt for dinner but there was a 20 min. wait..we were in line in front of the bar..I was watching people go get drinks for about 10 mins. when I told him I wanted a drink. He tried to talk me out of it for a few mins..I started getting a bit angry and he finally gave in and said I could only have a glass of wine. Well of course when I got up to the bar to order I ordered a Jack and Coke. Then I was off and running..3 glasses of wine with dinner..and 2 bottles back at the hotel. I embarassed my husband and ruined the getaway. I woke up at 2am from a blackout drunk lying naked in an empty hot tub..my husband said he couldn't wake me to get into the bed and he was afraid I would drown while he slept. Next day he was telling me some of the things I did and I was mortified. We went down to the lobby for breakfast and I was ashamed, wondering if any of the other guests recognized me. Spent all day Sunday in bed at home..feeling like an uncontrollable child. I am so afraid that if I am honest about my 2nd slip I will lose all my new friends,and my sponsor. I hope you all will still want to talk to me after this. I really do want to change, but do I have to not have a life besides going to meetings everyday to do it? If anyone has any advice for me I'm listening.

[lpRN13108]

Talked to my sponsor..she said she can't help me and I should probably look into a 30 day program. I can't do that because I have to work so what the hell am I supposed to do now. I can't go to the meetings I usually go to and face her and my other AA friends that I have let down..with my one stupid night I have wrecked about 6 friendships that really meant alot to me.I must actually be brain damaged and the drs. just haven't figured it out yet to keep being this stupid again and again. I have no idea what it is going to take to make me do this right?

[hppygr8ful]

Although I don’t respond often I do read your posts daily.There are a couple of things I feel are the main causes of your problem. I hope you are ready to hear this.

First let me say that you remind me a lot of myself. I drank and used various substances for 30 years finally getting sober at the age of 40. I had tried to quit drinking before but I never had my priorities straight. Finally when I OD’d on booze and Benadryl and ended up in Diversion. I had to make a decision to live or continue dying. I went into a treatment program and the first thing the counselor asked me was what the ten most important things in my life were. I don’t remember all of them now but I do remember saying my son, my marriage and my career as well as my animals and my house. Never mind that I had allowed one of my dogs to starve to death while I was in my disease.

My counselor then asked where I placed my recovery/sobriety on my list because he said if I didn’t make that the most important thing I would lose everything else in time.

Like I said I hope you are ready to hear this but here goes – I hear a lot of self pity and resentment in your posts – that’s not so strange for such is the normal state of the active alcoholic. We live off our resentment and discontent; we eat,breath and sleep it. Often it’s the last thing we have left and we are not about to give any of it up.

You posts are not the post of someone trying get sober they are the posts of someone struggling to to stay dry! There is a very big difference!

You have to get real and understand that you can Never drink alcohol safely again. You will never be able to stop at just one! Two you must start working a program. Going to one or two meetings a week is not enough. You need to get a hard core, kick you in the butt sponsor go to 90 meetings (or more) in 90 days and start working those steps immediately. This is your life you are playing with. Your life will never be what you now consider normal again – but it will be wonderful. I don’t know what your husband does but he sounds like a pretty good guy. Mine dropped me off on a street corner in Skid Row and said “If this is the life you want have at it.” I was faced with losing my home marriage and son. You need to realize that you will lose that job eventually so take a leave of absence and get treatment now. If you are being monitored by any BON you are headed for inpatient treatment anyway so you might as well beat them to it. We went 50,000 dollars in debt for my treatment and it was the best money we ever spent. That was to be a trip of a lifetime to Europe and Tahiti but if I never see those places outside a book I don’t care. Do what ever you have to do to get into treatment now. Stop all non-essential spending – no cable, no restaurants, no trips nothing until you get a solid foundation in you recovery – as you work your program all of you resentment, anger, self pity and fear will melt away, you will feel a freedom that you have never felt before. Read the promises on page 83 of the Big Book of alcoholics anonymous. Quit trying to work your steps on web pages and start working with a sponsor now. You life and everything you love depends on it. I hope you make the right decisions and get the treatment and help you need. If the Board remands you to inpatient they won’t accept “I have to work” or “I can’t afford it” I’ve know people who sold their houses to afford treatment. You’ll end up losing your license. Then where will you be” Just another gutter level drunk like I was. Don’t kid yourself; we are all just gutter level drunks in the end. Once we accept what we are we can be free to get well. If this shakes you up good! It’s supposed to. It’s time to get real or die. I hope you make the right choice.

Happy ending so far but it never really ends - My husband and I are still together my son is happy and healthy, We are building the kind of life I never dreamed possible and you can too!

You may not see me but I am always here? If you need help or encouragement just send out a message to Hppygr8ful and I will answer.

Peace and Namaste

Hppy