Hey Jenn,
Haven't heard from you in a while. How are you doing? I hope everything is ok.
Laurie

I feel your pain, i really do. I have been where u r and i know u can get through it. how do i know this-because i did and i didn't believe it was possible. I can so relate to all the things u said below. i too went thru bankrup-thanks to my x husband that thought it would be a good idea to fordge my name on a amex card for "revenge" for me being a **** up and going to treatment. so when he started his own lame business and spent all the equity in our home etc etc. i had to be a part of his business backruptsy due to the card that he took out in my name and used for business xpenses (over 10,000) i might add. i barfed for like 3 weeks every time the word was mentioned and i hated him so bad i thought i could truly commit murder. Enough about me, i only mention it because i know what u r going thru. There are 3 times now that suicide was a pretty viable option for me. once in 95, and i told my psych dr and i was put in this lock up place sleeping in the same room as a lady with diapers on. This was not at all what I had in mind. I was using of course but i was suicidal because my husband was an environmental engeneer and then 6 months before our wedding he decides he does not know who he is and wants to explore other work options. Excuse me, could we at least wait until the wedding is over so when every one asks me "what does your husband do" i don't have to say "well per usual, out of all the guys out there, i always pick the fixer upper guys who are wonderers or weak spined, or just plain lame" You know I went to like the best schools and i was breed for success as my dad likes to say, he would always say " I just don't know why u can't find a good, successful man. Me too dad but i am sick and ****ing tierd of always having to please you for approval, validation and all that stuff. anyway, we moved to california and my husband went into computers and now works for IBM that bastard. Why am i always a part of the lean years. Anyway then suicidal feelings #2 was when i was in michigan at that like 5 month treatment center from hell. It was ok if you were like totally straight from valley of the dolls-which i guess i kind of was given my drug history, but of course i was much more special and stimulating for that. There was this dr there, great guy, very successful peds anesthsiologist that was in for alcohol, why not use fent for gods sake-your already in the operating room. just kidding. anyway he hanged himself from the balcany of the condos we all stayed in. his wife told him she wanted a divorce and he just fell apart. he had 4 beautiful daughters and his wife was a stuck up ***** that was concerned about the "public image of it all." So before i went into that tx center i though long and hard about doing myself in while waiting for the bregade to arrive to haul me away to treatment. I wanted a few stiff drinks and a beer and xanax to be at their maximum peek prior to my arrival, to then killing myself would defeat the purpose. crazy i know. Then round 3 , on january 20, 2005 I decided to really give it some serious consideration. Let me set the stage. was so jacked out on drugs all of 2004 that it was not even funny. that is when i kicked off oxys and oh my god, i remember wanting to use or throw myself out the window just to stop the leg pain and the jirking and diarrhea etc.. anyway i locked myself in a room for 4 days and would have really have preferred dying, but of course whenever i called my dr or a tx center i always heard "well i have never heard of anyone dying from narc withdrawl" I was like your mother f cker treatment *****es-u obviously have never done as much dope as i have. Now in retrospect i can see how that might have led to their lack of that loving feeling towards me. so anyway, i knew it was coming, something was coming- i remember being able to see myself as if i was looking over head (not schitzo ) just the was i could see just how despirate and desolate and truly ****ed up and dangerous i was. i can understand how people rob people or all that other stuff for dope. i certainly stole enough dope from patients to last a life time. but my justification for it was-well at least i was nice to them, and they never count their pills or need all this stuff anyway. sound familiar. then in the beginning of january i cannot tell u why, because it makes no sence at all, but on Jan 15, 2005 i decided that i was done with drugs and alcohol. mind u now this was not a spiritual- o i have found my way or anything, this was because i could feel it (the drugs certainly did not make me feel numb anymore-just prevented me from barfing all over everyone and crawling under the desk in a ball of sweat, swearing and punching anyone who came near me (just for the visual here) Then i went into work on jan 19, 2005 and i got fired. not the first time i might add. anyway they said my documentation was becoming a liability. ya think, i could barely remember what pharmacy i could score from this week or what patient might be coming in that i coud steal dope from. needless to say i was not about to say-well did u find out about all the rx's i have been writting in all of your names to get drugs, or was it the fact that 99% of the time i am here, if i don't have dope in me, i cannont function. could it be that, or the fact that three cardiologists were expecting me to keep up with all of their patients etc (those bastards) kidding of course-email does not lend to my sence of humor. so after i was escorted out to my car- don't u love that one, there are times that i have fantisized about actually going postal and throwing stuff around, i guess squirting ketchup at people or something-what do they think we will really do? At this point i hope u are laughing so that using or suicide are no longer an option. the fantasy funeral we all have in our heads where everyone is really dressed up and crying saying "if we only knew-I had no idea how isolated and terrible she felt-I had no idea the emotional pain she has gone through for years!" and then everyone woud be throwing beautiful flowers -not carnations- that is not a flower-that is trailer park romance. hope u dont live in a trailer ppppppppp. ok anyway they would all be crying so hard and our husbands would throw themselves over the caskit and all the family would blame them and themselves for not loving you more and not being there for you. The kids would be ok, and would not be street whores or little felions just becuase we killed ourselves. They would go onto to become lawyers and doctors and would fight the crucade against addiction, always keeping a fond, tearful thought of us in thier hearts.
Well i am sad to say, that is not what is going to happen. good story though, don't u think. isn't it crazy how u can know someone so well but you have never even met them before etc. Thank god some old drunk men thought that talking about how we feel might actually work if the other person on the other side of the conversation really gave a **** and might understand for the first time in like.........ever. So i know this email is so long that killing yourself might again become an option. but don't u do it. now that we are friends and can help one another-just hang on and i will help u in anyway i can. if i can stay clean since that fateful day in jan 05, then u can too. there is life out there i promise, hang on and i will ride next to u on the rollercoster. all my love (not the grosse way) Jenn

Jenn,
thanks for adding me to your friends list..You are the 2nd friend I have made in the last 25 years. I am having a really hard time in the last week. I have been clean for 35 days..do you remember what your first days were like? I feel sad about my life..marriage not going great,grandmother dying,bankruptcy..you know a good case of "poor me" but I am also angry too why is it that sobriety hasn't improved anything in my life..the only difference is I have no relief from the way I feel. I am scared because when I feel like this is when I do something impulsively like use or suicide. I never want to put my kids through that again. How long until you started to feel better? I need some hope please
Laurie