License revoked & still hurting years later

[Breathe]

My license was revoked in 2000, after 15 yrs of nursing, for noncompliance with the disciplinary measures placed on me by the MO board. (I'd been practicing under disciplinary measures since 1995. My probation had been extended because of my resistance to 12-step programs.)

Ever sense, I've felt like I lost a part of my identity.
I can't get over the thought of trying to get it back and wouldn't know where to begin even if I did decide to try to regain it. And actually, I'm aware that I shouldn't be reinstated because I know I couldn't work around narcotics without relapsing...I continue to periodically relapse. Truthfully, I relapse anytime I have the opportunity to acquire narcotics --whether it be thru legitimate prescriptions or stealing from family & friends. (Ouch. It hurts to admit that.)

The truest thing I know is that one is too many & a thousand is never enough.

I'm not working any kind of recovery program & I know I need to. I just can't get over my resistance to 12-step programs (which, naturally, is why I finally lost my license).

I've been working in coding & reimbursement since I lost my license. Another problem I have is not being able to be honest about why I'm not still in nursing.

Enough said.

I sure need any thoughts, words of advice, &/or encouragement anyone out there can offer.

Please.

[Randy, RN]

I am so sorry. I know several nurses who have died in their addiction and many who have recovered and gone back to practicing around drugs and giving drugs, without relapsing.

Honestly, it sounds like you might be getting ready to admit powerlessness over drugs (has alcohol always been there too, as a poor second to drugs?).....you basically do in your post.

There is a life out there for you, there is hope. God does love you and can, if you can be honest primarily with yourself, do wonderful things with your life and, girl, you cannot even imagine.

I hope you can find the grace to really begin to live and not die in the disease....and I can tell from your post, it IS "dis-ease", not a comfortable place to be.

I have been a nurse for over 25 years. Come back and join us as a nurse again...you will be shocked how God opens the doors to you and how forgiving State Boards are, when you get into recovery. I know many with worse stories than your's who are fully licensed again, working as travelers, etc. and giving so much to their patients...and NOT stealing their patient's drugs anymore!

The 12 Step program has helped many to a useful, full life again. I hope you can, one day, completely give yourself to that simple program. It is not a cult, just a loose collection of folks seeking God and depending upon God for life and the strength not to use or drink, one day at a time. I know many members. The best and most honest people I know, in business and out.

Bless you, Randy........and I hope you don't die, kid.

[Zigzag]

I'm sorry to hear about your troubles!!
First of all, don't beat yourself up for not being able to jive with the 12 step program. You are definately not alone there, and if you have tried it and it DOES NOT work for you, accept that and find something else.
The worst thing that we can do is expect nurses to recover via one method only, and call them failures if they don't succeed. It's very hard to move on when you never feel like your doing the right thing because you can't fit in to that mold.
There ARE other recovery methods, you just hear very little of them.
I encourage you to seek out some of the other methods and find what works best for you. Maybe then you can pick up the peices and move on, rather than beating yourself up.
It was not until I found another method did I finally start to "heal". I struggled with the 12 steps and spent many,many months feeling terrible about myself. When I found another method, that actually WORKED for me, life starting looking up. It's like treating every patient with cancer with the exact same treatment. It's ridiculous for the treatment professional's to believe that one size fits all in this situation.
By the way, I've been drug free for 12 years, have absolutely no desire to use and I don't let it bog down my thoughts. I have moved on and I do not dwell on that period in my life.
Best wishes!

[nursinghumor]

Hello NZW,

Twelve step programs are the most popular option for recovery and endorsed by most professional organizations. They're not the only solution out there. A few others you can try are:

Do It Now Foundation Online...
Looking for honest answers to today's toughest questions on drugs, drinking, sex, and other life choices? Then you'll want to check out Do It Now Online, a free information service of the Do It Now Fo...
http://www.doitnow.org

Secular Organizations for Sobriety:"SOS is an alternative recovery method for those alcoholics or drug addicts who are uncomfortable with the spiritual content of widely available 12-Step programs. SOS takes a reasonable, secular approach to recovery and maintains that sobriety is a separate issue from religion or spirituality. SOS credits the individual for achieving and maintaining his or her own sobriety, without reliance on any "Higher Power."
http://www.cfiwest.org/sos/

Hope those are helpful.

Andrew Lopez, RN
http://www.nursinga2z.com

[tatnurse]

I'm so sorry to hear of the problems you've had. Addiction is a huge problem for doctors and nurses, especially due to the easy access to drugs in a hospital or clinical setting. But the GREAT thing about nursing is that you don't have to work in a hospital or clinic. I recently interviewed for a job in St Louis to work in a call center. The pay is outstanding, the work looks rewarding, and it may be something that you could do as well. In your case the biggest advantage is that there are NO DRUGS available.

I don't know what the process is to get a license reinstated. I do know that since you are aware of how bad your addiction is, and you know that you will most likely relapse if you are in that type of setting, you should probably not put yourself in harms way. Know your limitations. Know that if you do get your license back and return to a hospital you are setting yourself up for failure, which is something addicts seem to love to do. There are a lot of areas of nursing that don't involve access to drugs. Forensic nursing, legal nursing, etc., it is up to you to try to find your niche.

But I would counsel you to face your addiction, get the help you need, and then, armed with the knowledge that you are always going to be an addict, you can choose to be a sober addict. My brother is an alcoholic. I have seen him so drunk, and so high, that I thought he would die many, many times. He has been sober now for over fifteen years, but he will always be an alcoholic. Knowing that you will never be free from your addiction is half the battle. Learning how to change your entire lifestyle is the key to success. But if you put yourself in a situation where you are given access to drugs on a daily basis, you will probably lose control. So many people think that it is just a matter of willpower. This is a fallacy that will cause you to fail and then blame yourself for the failure. Addicts are hardwired to seek drugs. It is part of your genetic makeup. It is a disease. But you have to make the choice to fight that disease. If you were a diabetic you would not blame yourself for needing insulin. But you would have to make the choice to test your blood on a regular basis, adjust your diet and lifestyle accordingly, and to take the insulin or oral drugs needed to fight your disease. Drug addicts have to learn to fight the disease in much the same way.

Please, please, please, get the help that you need BEFORE you try to get your license back. Then, armed with the correct documentation you will probably have a better chance of getting it back. Once you get it back you have to remember that you have a disease, and you have to live the life of a recovering addict...one day at a time.
God Bless,

T.J.

[Ricu]

Hi there,

I conditionally support what everyone else has said but want to add emphasis on the OWN IT part of addiction. This is my opinion but I firmly believe that an addict owns the condition and the solution. He or she may be powerless over the substance but he or she IS NOT powerless over the solution. It is not an addict's right to persist in a habit that endangers others. I won't plead with you or implore you to seek help, I will point out that you openly admit that you are addicted to narcotics therefore, it is absolutely your responsibility to address it. This may sound harsh or insensitive but as a fellow member of society with children out in the community, I find myself troubled by people like you who are out and about, under the influence, working or not, driving automobiles and so on and RISKING LIVES; theirs and others because they are not facing their responsibility.

I may be accused of pontificating here but ask me about the people I know who buried their child who was killed by a repeat offender drunk- driving without a license. He had minor injuries.

I hope you all have a safe Holiday Season,

R

[hppygr8ful]

Ricu - Here Here! I have suffered from this disease for over 30 years but I am not a victim. Ultimately I choose wether or not to put substances in my case alcohol and benzo's into my system. I am in diversion because I became suicidal and coud not find a way out of my addiction. I choose the cowards way out - but God had different plans for me and I survived. Today I have over 2 years sobriety and work with addicts and alcoholics. One thing all addicts and alcoholics have in common while in the disease is an inability to follow direction. It always amazes me when a person says My license was revoked because of my dislike/resistance to 12-step program. The fact of the matter is that 12-step programs save a lot of lives. Are they the only way to get sober? Of course not. BUt the fact is that if you are a medical professional with an addiction and choose not to comply with the BON or medical boards recomendations then you choose to give up your license. Nobody takes it away from you. When I started AA I hated it but I did what was suggested, went to the meetings and got a sponspor and became willing to own my disease and it's consequences. Thankfully nobody died or was permanently hurt due to my actions. Today my life is beautiful in ways I never thought possible. My worst day sober is 100% better than my best day using. When you choose not to recover you shut yourself off from all of life's beauty. Just something to think about.

Peace and namaste

Hppygr8ful

[Ricu]

Ricu - Here Here! I have suffered from this disease for over 30 years but I am not a victim. Ultimately I choose wether or not to put substances in my case alcohol and benzo's into my system. I am in diversion because I became suicidal and coud not find a way out of my addiction. I choose the cowards way out - but God had different plans for me and I survived. Today I have over 2 years sobriety and work with addicts and alcoholics. One thing all addicts and alcoholics have in common while in the disease is an inability to follow direction. It always amazes me when a person says My license was revoked because of my dislike/resistance to 12-step program. The fact of the matter is that 12-step programs save a lot of lives. Are they the only way to get sober? Of course not. BUt the fact is that if you are a medical professional with an addiction and choose not to comply with the BON or medical boards recomendations then you choose to give up your license. Nobody takes it away from you. When I started AA I hated it but I did what was suggested, went to the meetings and got a sponspor and became willing to own my disease and it's consequences. Thankfully nobody died or was permanently hurt due to my actions. Today my life is beautiful in ways I never thought possible. My worst day sober is 100% better than my best day using. When you choose not to recover you shut yourself off from all of life's beauty. Just something to think about.

Peace and namaste

Hppygr8ful

Happy,

Thank you for sharing your hard won words of wisdom. The best direction comes from one who has first hand experience. Blessings to you,

R

[fatlap]

Maybe you need a little time in a 30 day rehab program.I found this to work for me. I started off with a 4 day trip to detox and went to rehab from there. I know everyone says they can not afford it. I could not either but it was the best decision I ever made. I am also on a medication called suboxone which controls my cravings completely and also makes it so if i were to use it would not get me high.well because of this and with the help of The NY State Professional Assistance program I was able to get my license back and am currently looking for a nursing job.
Best wishes