[longhornfan1]

TPAPN is unfair. Had 4 months left on my 2 year contract. Had positive UDS for morphine. Had MRO done and determined it was poppy seed. TPAPN admits it was not a relapse, but was still a violation of my contract which states No Poppy Seed Muffins, No Nyquil etc because they will cause a pos. UA. So, even with all the reassessments and drug screens and LCDC, Psych, MD and therapists statements saying I did not relapse, I have to start over from scratch!! 2 full years, all the restrictions in place and I HAVE to go back to treatment!!! FOR WHAT?? What can I possibly gain from IOP! 5 weeks of bitterness and resentment. Just 4 months away. Will suck it up and do it again, because I know I am a RECOVERING addict. Clean over two years. This sucks!!!!

[sohpie1]

Wow, that's interesting. I'm also a participant of TNPAP. Have you thought about seeing an attorney? I can sorta understand that it was a violation of our contract but to return for treatment if it wasn't deemed a relapse? Wow.

[Carol hasbeen]

I am relieved to have someone to talk to. My addiction has been a constant lurking enemy for over 20 years. While there have been many years of intermittent clean time "it" resurfaces eventually.
The destructiveness of the disease took a long time to appear. For many years I have been able to keep jobs, twice by my own admission into treatment. Then after I had my third child I started a slow downward spiral in my career. Since 2003 I have been fired seven times. Not all of those times were drug related but most of them were. Through it all I have never been accused of drug use/stealing until this last time around.
Ironically I was fired for taking 2 Vicodin tablets and I have not been using for a long time before that. What can I say? I did it.
The pain is magnified by our financial situation. I really needed that job. Now I very likely will loose my home, cannot pay bills (electric is now up to $1,000) and have applied for food stamps. My children (16,13 and 10) will be devasted when we have to move. My biggest fear is that they will come to hate me when they are old enough to understand and this will be a lifelong rememberence. I have thought about suicide but cannot do this to my family. Have already acted selfishly. Instead I cut myself to relieve the stress and pent up feelings. I hide what I cut and do not discuss it.
My x-job reported me to the state and I am in the process of an evaluation for a treatment plan. In the meantime I must work and have sought employment from a store and a packaging co. I could make $9 per hour. This will hardly save my home. How do I explain this to my children and extended family? I feel so low.
All my life I have only wanted to be a nurse. I even have a MSN and have worked as a CNM and CRNP. All this is down the toilet. I AM a loser. Who would hire me? I know nothing about managed care and need to work at night because of childcare issues and also because my 13 yr old son is bipolar and subject to serious mood swings.
People I have worked with in the last 5 years would never believe I had a successful career as a nurse and was respected. They have only seen the slow, forgetful nervous person I have become. Enough... Thank you. I need some friends.
Sincerely, Carol hasbeen

[lpRN13108]

I know exactly how you feel. I too have put my family through emotional and financial hell. My kids 17/12 are still angry at me but I am involving them in my recovery just like I involved them in my disease. We talk about the disease of addiction and read stories from AA literature together. I feel it is important for them to understand that mom is sick with a disease just as if I had cancer or some other debilitating disease that financially drained us, and I also want them to know that they are at increased risk of becoming an addict too. I did attempt suicide and I hope to never hurt my family like that again, they were absolutely devastated. I have been going to AA and I hear stories like ours everyday, and then I hear how they stopped using a day at a time and now a few years later they have full happy lives with good relationships with family members. I am sure your children love you and when they are older rather than being resentful of what you cost them they will realize that mom was very sick but she worked really hard to get better and be a good mom for them. I am always hear for anyone who is struggling and needs to talk..I have a daily update on the just for today thread.
Laurie

[longrd4me]

Consequences of addiction are sometimes as bad as addiction itself, it seems, to me. I know I did this to myself. My addiction to narcotics spanned 39 years. I've been a RN for 29 years. In those 29 years, I've been fired from almost every nursing job I've had, had my nursing license suspended/probated x5, 2 revocations, and 2 reinstatements. I also completed TPAPN twice, somehow. I never had any real clean time, until 2005. I voluntarily surrendered my license to the Texas Board of Nurses in March, 2005. I went to my 3rd IOP treatment, ( I had already been through 4 inpatient treatments, including a 3mo stint in a Halfway House), and I was just so miserable and scared, and hopeless. I actually went to AA, I didn't like NA, and for the first time, got up the nerve to ask someone to be my sponsor. I initially could not understand the Steps, Still have trouble with them sometimes, but will celebrate 3 years clean and sober on 4-4-08. I was ineligible for TPAPN, and the Board revoked my license in 3/05,(#2). I couldn't find a job, I had creditors bothering me, but I was Lucky that my ex, supported me and my daughter. I told my daughter about my addiction in '05. She was angry, hurt, scared, and lost any trust she had in me. She refused to participate in any recovery therapy, or even attend when I got my year chip. I was an embarrassment to her. It hurt, but I couldn't blame her; her whole image of me had been a lie. But, the most frustrating and idiotic part of all of this the role of government. I had been reported to 2 data banks, and sanctioned by Medicare and Medicaid when my license was revoked. After my license was reinstated, I had to apply for a petition for reinstatement to Medicaire and Medicaid. I had to go through the Inspector General's Office in Washington DC, and my Medicare reinstatement was approved. Then I had go repeat the whole process again through Texas Department of Health and Human Services in Austin. They approved Medicaid reinstatement. It's not like I had been paid any funds by either of those departments, it's just another way to punish healthcare workers by people who have no idea of what addiction is about. One data bank removed my name from it's files. The second one, Healthcare Integrity and Protection Data Bank, informed me that my name would never be removed from their files. There are 6 reports, ( called adverse action reports) in their data bank. All are duplicates. 3 sanction reports, submitted by the State Board, 3 by US Dept. of Health, and 3 by Tx Dept. of Health. Then there are 3 reinstatement (adverse) reports filed by the same agencies. Why it is necessary for all these duplicate reports, I'll never know. Why they only have 1 report form, the adverse report, is another great mystery of the world. I have been going back and forth between these agencies to get clarification, correction and explanation for over a year. This is a Federal agency, HIPDB, that has the data bank. One report states "deceased: unknown". They sure knew I wasn't deceased when it came down to paying taxes. An employee of this HIPDB, informed me that no one has access to these files and reports except Federal Government Agencies. Here, in Dallas, Tx., is an private entity called "Group One". Hospitals and who knows who else uses this Group one for background checks. Somehow, Group One had access to those "protected" records, because one hospital sent me a copy of the background check they did, and they knew about the reports, they knew reasons I was terminated from various jobs,etc. I reported this to HIPDB, who told me they could not do any thing, I needed to speak tothe person who submitted the reports. What does that have to do with their files being accessed by non federal groups? I called the State Board of Nurses, and asked them why they felt it was in the public's best interest to submit reports of revocation and reinstatement of licensure in March of 2008, when my license was reinstated in March of 2007. I got talked to 2 investigators and got 3 different answers. Meanwhile, TPAPN, Board Ordered, and other nurses get blacklisted by Group One, and are discriminated against before they get in the door, since online apps have you agree to background checks or they won't accept your application.
It's McCarthyism, and it's totalitarianism. And it's out and out discrimination. Healthcare personnel are held to standard above the normal---for the safety of the public. What about pilots? Bus drivers? Car drivers? Politicians that can make war? Everyone is responsible for public safety. The government is made up of fools. I have not been able to find work in nursing since my license was returned. I can't get responses from jobs I am qualified for. And I can't get jobs because I'm over qualified, and have a horrible work history. No one takes the time to talk to me, to see who I really am. Resumes are paper, and most are lies, probably. I have many stipulations on my license, monitoring. I'm identified; They should be more wary of those that aren't, yet, and working with them. Anyway, I have vented for the day. There's a job listed in the paper for RNs at the VA Hospital. Since it's a Federal institution, and I'm on Federal data banks, there's a good chance that they don't know it, and won't even find out! Good luck to you guys, we're survivors, and God chose us for a reason.

[longhornfan1]

Would love to get an attorney and fight fight fight, but, and I am sure you have heard this a thousand times, TPAPN is strictly VOLUNTARY. So I can quit, or be dropped at any time for any reason. So, I am still fighting the treatment thing, but am once again on contract for two more years. Still don't have a job either. Oh well. Wonder how many nurses are on food stamps because of TPAPN. Would make a great research thesis huh?
Just keep playing the game.

[jewels123]

Hello everyone. Well it's been a year since my husband was caught diverting narcotics. When his world seemed to be spinning out of control, and I was holding on for dear life, this website was a life line for us. He has been through so much this past year and I'm so happy to tell everyone that with all the suffering, depression, uncertainty and fear of the future, one year later seems like a lifetime ago.

I am so proud of the achievements he has made, and how I am now married to the man I married 22 years ago. Being compliant with Florida IPN seemed like insurmountable hurdles in the beginning. One day at a time he found a way to take those steps forward.

One year later he is employed full time at a small local hospital. His participation in IPN and his restriction was not only welcomed but understood with compassion. The support from his peers, support group, counselor, family and friends are heartwarming.

We never thought one year would make so much difference. It has more than we would have ever dreamed.

[lpRN13108]

Wow..it is nice to hear such a positive outcome..tell him I said congratulations and may he have continued success in his recovery. I only have 23 days clean today and I understand totally what an insurmountable feat it seems to achieve a year of sobriety, but stories like that give me hope for my own future..thanks for sharing!

[jenniferleigh]

I can so relate to your story it is not even funny. I too am stuck in the black hole of infomation going to the provider data bank that I was told was confidential and only accessible by people with "clearance" or whatever, and i was also denied job, many jobs becuase when they went to do my background check, all this info came up. I even ended up surrendering my license to the nc bon because i could not find anyone who would hire me on contract, and also because it was costing me more money to participate in the program, then it I was able to afford, given that i could not find a job. i even initially reported myself to them-like a fu-king fool, thinking i was doing the right thing and getting help. I have been to 2 treatment centers, to the tune of 50,000 not even including the cost of all the stuff it takes to be reinstated. what a joke, get this, also if i put my name in google, full name the way it reads on my license you get linked to direct access to the information in the data bank. great. i hired people to get it off search engines and they said the people who put it there( whoever the f-ck that is) has the right to post information generated from the government because of their first amendment rights. are you kidding me????? what about my rights. my career is over, and the only reason i found a job after looking for over one year after surrendering my license is that they did not do a background check. I am not even working in nursing, nor am i falsely representing myself as a nurse. i am working in research and ironically putting togehter medical education content for thier CME activities. talk about discrimination, i walk on eggshells everyday that someone on a whim does not decide to google my name, let alone what they can find when they do a background check. I have no criminal record and I have 3 1/2 years clean and sober. sometimes i just want to give up. i hate what this profession does to us. yes i fought, i fought the system for 6 years and gave up. not because i couldn't stay clean, but because i couldnt get a job. this sucks. for addicts the saying should be life sucks and then you live. just wanted to let you know you are not alone. fyi, i also found out that information is never removed from the date base and will always be accessible even after you are dead. how do we even begin to get help for this, legally or politically? can't i ever move on with my life without having to have my past literally be a part of my present and future. so much for annonymity. no such thing for nurses.

[rhiRN333]

I gotta tell you, just reading your postings is making me feel better. I was positive on a UDS this Monday, and haven't yet found out the extent of the damage to my nursing career or my marriage. My husband is also a nurse and we have worked together for the past 13 years...he had no idea, I hid it from him. Actually I told him 8 months ago and told him that I had stopped and did, but only for a short while, then I started back up and was so ashamed I hid it from him. So, here comes this Monday, and I get popped. I am actually grateful in a way...now I know that this is the beginning of a huge transformation. My husband doesn't know if he can stand by me or not..that will just have to come I guess. So, I'm pretty much alone in this struggle....I have already contacted the BON and haven't been able to speak to a live person yet...so, we'll see. Any advice you have would be much appreciated. I am licnsed in a few other states, do you know if I can work under those licenses?
~rhi