[lpRN13108]

thanks for your honesty. I know you are trying to help save me from myself. I am not being monitored by any BON because I was put into treatment after a suicide attempt. No work involvement. I'm just not sure what I am going to do yet. I will try to keep updating daily.

[hppygr8ful]

Contrary to popular belief you don't need to be stealing drugs or impaired on the job to come to the attention of the state board of Nursing. I too tried to kill myself and nearly succeeded. I was never drunk at work, never stole from the hospital never, never had a drunk driving etc... but came to the attention of the board due to my depression and suicidal ideation which is was felt at the time made my unable to safely practice my profession. Though Board Monitoring is a pain it is the best thing that ever happened to me.

I cont wish you luck because luck has nothing to do with sobriety but I will hope that you find peace and serenity to make the necessary decisions.

Peace and Namaste

Hppy

[lpRN13108]

I was not aware that they could still discipline me without my situation being related to work. I don't want to put any pts in harms way but I don't feel like I could really hurt anyone by giving advice on phone. Maybe I'm wrong? I have been thinking seriously about the response you gave me a couple days ago. I don't know if I have come to that desperate point I need to want sobriety more than anything else..I know I don't want to hurt my family..but I don't drink in front of any of them. My husband over the weekend but not anymore. I was mixing Xanax and vicodin and alcohol before..I think that is what caused my insanity. I am not doing that now..I just need the relaxed feeling I get with a couple drinks. I don't know what else to do right now! Thanks to All!

[AmandaWIRN]

Bottom line, if you have an alcohol problem you cannot drink at all (even if you don't do it in front of anyone else!). Justifying it by saying you're not mixing it with other drugs anymore, or that it won't hurt your family if you don't do it in front of them is just an excuse, and not a very good one.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but if you really want to get serious about getting healthy and sober, you need to get into a 12 step program and really work it- that means getting a sponsor who is going to be on you butt, and not making excuses or rationalizing your behavior....

[Crazy_Dog_Lady]

Laurie, please hang on. Call your counselor, or someone. This disease almost killed me more than once. I should not be here, and I am thinking you should not either, but you are. Why? I believe I am still on this earth for a purpose. I may never know why, but I want to make the most of it. I wish I knew the right thing to say to you, but right now, I just don't, but I wanted to give you some hope.

Please read "The age of miracles", by Marianne Williamson.

[lpRN13108]

I thank you guys so much for caring. I am just getting pounded from every direction and I don't feel like I want to keep fighting anymore. Yesterday I found out that my job is being downsized in May. I don't think there is any other kind of nursing job I can do with my health problems..not even counting my addiction. My husband's job is also ending this month and our future is looking very bleak. I know those are not good enough excuses to drink but I just feel like I need to escape from the reality of it all for a while..I hate waking up in the morning and thinking what will happen next to wreck our lives more? I can't even afford the co-pays at the moment to see my counselor and my new friends from AA don't want to talk to me now..so I am back to just me and my husband. I know he is comfortable with the Laurie he knows well..easy going,fun,exciting sexually..so for now I will go back to being her
If you all don't want me to keep updating daily anymore just let me know..I don't want to do anything to hurt anyone elses recovery.

[AmandaWIRN]

Going back to the "old Laurie" doesn't seem to be very wise- ask yourself:

How has the "old Laurie" done with life so far?

It does not seem that the "old" you has been doing so hot, so if you want your life to change, you need to start with yourself. The saying goes:

"If you keep doing what you've always done, you'll always get what you've always gotten."

If you want better things for yourself, you need to make some changes. Going back to the "old" you isn't the answer. Changing yourself is hard and you have to really want it. Maybe you haven't hit enough of a rock bottom yet- but it sounds like you're headed that way. It's not too late to turn it around.

I am not an addict or alcoholic, so I cannot speak from experience, but I do know that you NEED to make drastic changes in your life. Whatever you decide to do, I hope you'll keep us updated, and I pray that you will find recovery...

[hppygr8ful]

Originally Posted by lpRN13108

I was not aware that they could still discipline me without my situation being related to work. I don't want to put any pts in harms way but I don't feel like I could really hurt anyone by giving advice on phone. Maybe I'm wrong? I have been thinking seriously about the response you gave me a couple days ago. I don't know if I have come to that desperate point I need to want sobriety more than anything else..I know I don't want to hurt my family..but I don't drink in front of any of them. My husband over the weekend but not anymore. I was mixing Xanax and vicodin and alcohol before..I think that is what caused my insanity. I am not doing that now..I just need the relaxed feeling I get with a couple drinks. I don't know what else to do right now! Thanks to All!

"At a certain point in the drinking of every alcoholic, he passes into a state where the most powerful desire to stop drinking is of absolutely no avail. This tragic situation has already arrived in practically every case long before it is suspected.

The fact is that most alcoholics, for reasons yet obscure, have lost the power of choice in drink, our so-called will-power becomes practically non-existent. We are unable at certain times, to bring to our consciousness with sufficient force the memory of the suffering and humiliation of even a week or a month ago. We are without defense againt the first drink"

Ask you self when was the the last time that you were able to sit down a enjoy a drink, just one or perhaps even two and stop at that. I would bet you would be hard pressed to remeber when you actually enjoyed drinking. For most of us , if we are honest with ourselves, using our drug of choice ceased to be enjoyable a long time time ago. We drink to forget, to escape the problems of everyday life. We seek the sense of "Ease and comfort that comes with the first drink." Escape by definition means to get away to place a of safety. When you drink to "escape" you are not escaping only hiding from the inevitable. There are certain promises that are true for all alcoholics and addicts who work the program

"We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness, we will not forget the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the meaning of serenity and know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self seeking will slip away. Our whole outlook and attitude upon life will change. Fear of people and economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffel us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves."

Does this not describe how you would want to feel if only yoy could - you can. I want for you what I have and what so many others have found. Don't give up and don't go away. The fellowship is always here for you. Don't believe for a minute that your new friends in AA don't still love you and want to help - they just don't want to hear excuses they want to hear accountability from you. Nothing puts a drink in your hand and makes you drink it. Only you can do that. If you do nothing else get a hold of a Big Book of Alcoholic's Anonymous and Start reading. You just may find the answer you are seeking - If you find nothing there at least it will cure your insomnia - (AA HUMOR)

Stick with us, WE care

Peace and Namaste.

Hppy

[lpRN13108]

Well you are exactly right. There is no enjoyment in my drinking at all anymore. Since picking back up on Sat..just 6 days ago..I require at least a pint of whiskey a day to be functional. I tried just having 1 or 2 drinks to relax but before I know it the pint is gone and sometimes if it's too early in day I have to go out and get more. My compulsion is much stronger than I remember it being. I have also started having a couple cigs daily (something I swore I would never do) to try to calm my body. I feel myself spiraling down again..my husband is already getting upset because I have schnaupps in my coffee. I don't think my kids have noticed yet but I am sure if I don't stop soon they will.
Today is usually my favorite day because I get to go see my grandmother..I told myself yesterday that I would not drink so I can have a good visit with her and take her out for a ride. I woke up at 2am and had just what was left in yesterday's pint, but then I wasn't feeling too good around 6am again so I added some schnaupps to my coffee. I really didn't want to drink today but my body is already becoming dependant again and I needed it to feel just normal and functional. I now know that what I have heard in meetings about going back out being worse then before is true. I know I am heading for disaster but I don't think I can do anything to stop it..I think about AA and my friends there and here and I feel so sad that I messed all that up.:cry_smile:

[AmandaWIRN]

You need some hardcore INPATIENT treatment- please get help, before it's too late.....