[lpRN13108]

Well Hello to All
I don't have much to say today. I went to a meeting last night but it really didn't help me much. I still feel very hopeless and lonely lately. I didn't work today because I couldn't stand to be in my house again. I went to spend the afternoon with my grandmother. Might go to a meeting tonight.

[sohpie1]

When I got clean and started a 12-step program, it was strongly suggested to me to attend 90 meetings in 90 days. I can say it wasn't always easy but I am so thankful I did. I developed a foundation that has helped me every single day in my recovery. Many days I use suggestions that I've heard at previous meetings but didn't necessarily use at that time. Really it's similar to nursing. We don't use all of our skills/knowledge at the time we learn/hear it but retain that information for the future.

I pray you find the capability to attend meetings to find support. So often I am lost for the words profound enough to encourage someone to attend meetings, etc. Personally speaking at the 'end of my road' I felt beat up-physically/mentally/spiritually. I felt the word "despair." I lost almost every thing and everyone that meant anything to me. I knew I was slowly commiting suicide however if I had 'killed myself'....I would have killed a stranger. I didn't even know myself any longer. At the end of my road if someone told me to 'stand in a corner, read the basic text and pray til we come back and you will stay clean, I would still be standing in the corner praying. I was desperate and I would have done anything, yes anything to get clean and find a new way to live. It wasn't easy at first but the bottom line is that I knew I was certain I could not 'use' one more minute of one more day and I would do whatever it took to change that. By the grace of God I have done it for 2 years, 2 months and 27 days....but not one of those days alone. Hugs.

[lpRN13108]

Happy Humpday All

I know what you are saying is right Sophie. I am so afraid to imagine that the reason I am feeling this anger and discontentment with sobriety is because I haven't hit my final bottom yet..as far as I can see the only thing lower than where I am right now is dead. I have already tried to kill myself but my husband got me to the hospital in time to save me. I am glad I am alive for my kids because I saw how devastated they were even though I survived. I can relate to you feeling like you had lost everyone and everything..I don't feel like I care about or connect with anything now. My friends,family,husband,nursing,self,AA,IOP I feel like I am alone in my world and all I think about is ways to make my feelings go away. I want to be the "old Laurie" but I don't even remember who she was. I feel like I am holding on to my life with 1 finger and all I can think about is what will happen if I let go. How could I not be ready to do ANYTHING to not feel this way anymore? I just don't know?
I am going to my IOP today and I think I am going to talk to my Dr. about a LOA from work for another month. Maybe if I'm not trying to focus on so much and I simplify life more..I will be able to think more clearly. In the last couple days I have started using benadryl as a way to escape the world and I know it is only a matter of time til I trade that back for drugs and alcohol if I don't do something to change the pattern. Thanks to all my new friends here!

[lpRN13108]

Well today is a much better day in my world. My life is like a rollercoaster these days! I talked to my Dr. and took another LOA and I am really trying hard to get into working the program. I got a sponsor,and am going to try to do 90 meetings/90 days. I feel alot more hopeful about what kind of day I will have without drugs and alcohol. I went to a noon meeting with a new friend, then met another new friend for coffee and we chatted for over an hour. I haven't made new friends for so long, and it feels wonderful. I actually have people to call and things to do WoW! I am getting involved in our town's AA assembly weekend..not sure what it is exactly but I told my sponsor(yes I got one finally) I would do whatever she needs me to do to help with it. It feels good that I used my voice and spoke up when I was feeling overwelmed by trying to fit everything in to my schedule. Normally I would just keep ALL the obligations and be frantic,irritated and angry because people expected so much from me..but I would just do it anyway because I wanted people to like me. I realize that the reason people like or dislike me has nothing to do with schedule but everything to do with my attitude..so if I want people to like me I need to keep my life simple and manageable so I am a likeable person. Wow who would have thought after the lousy past few days I have had that I could actually learn a concept like that. Thank you all for being tolerable of my pity party in the last few entries, and thanks to those who gave support, without friends like you I would not be able to get through sobriety and start working toward recovery.

[hppygr8ful]

Originally Posted by lpRN13108

Well today is a much better day in my world. My life is like a rollercoaster these days! I talked to my Dr. and took another LOA and I am really trying hard to get into working the program. I got a sponsor,and am going to try to do 90 meetings/90 days. I feel alot more hopeful about what kind of day I will have without drugs and alcohol. I went to a noon meeting with a new friend, then met another new friend for coffee and we chatted for over an hour. I haven't made new friends for so long, and it feels wonderful. I actually have people to call and things to do WoW! I am getting involved in our town's AA assembly weekend..not sure what it is exactly but I told my sponsor(yes I got one finally) I would do whatever she needs me to do to help with it. It feels good that I used my voice and spoke up when I was feeling overwelmed by trying to fit everything in to my schedule. Normally I would just keep ALL the obligations and be frantic,irritated and angry because people expected so much from me..but I would just do it anyway because I wanted people to like me. I realize that the reason people like or dislike me has nothing to do with schedule but everything to do with my attitude..so if I want people to like me I need to keep my life simple and manageable so I am a likeable person. Wow who would have thought after the lousy past few days I have had that I could actually learn a concept like that. Thank you all for being tolerable of my pity party in the last few entries, and thanks to those who gave support, without friends like you I would not be able to get through sobriety and start working toward recovery.

You have discovered one of the key principles to a great recovery which is that being of service helps us to be less self-centered and more other centered and we feel better. Keep listening to your sponsor - go to those meetings and work those steps things will get better.

Peace and Namaste

hppy

[lpRN13108]

I'm sorry I haven't updated for a few days. I hit a big dip in the rollercoaster in my life. I picked up again and went off for a couple days. I used a fight with my husband as a reason. I didn't use any of the tools I have learned , didn't call for help,and what is worse I lied to a new friend about why I couldn't meet with her. I know I screwed up but I am back to the program today. I spoke with my sponsor yesterday and told her everything..I went to 2 meetings yesterday. I was so dumbfounded at how much my disease had progressed in my 39 days sober..I became physically assaultive during this bender, which has never happened before. I have learned that I really am just an alcoholic and drug addict, I am no different from any other person with this disease, and if I don't learn ways to change my thinking and behavior so I can not pick up again..I will end up dead or wishing I was. I hope another new-comer will read this and remember to think the drink through BEFORE you take it..remember it is not just alcohol you are pouring in the glass but family,relationships,friends,jobs..we risk so much. I am lucky that this time my family was forgiving. Please pray for me to have continued acceptance of my disease and my powerlessness over it.

[lpRN13108]

It is a snowy Wed. in Maine but I feel pretty good. I got up made breakfast, did my housework,took a shower,and now am off to spend time with my sick Grandmother. I am finding a huge difference in how I feel since simplifying my life by taking a LOA from work. I hope others remember to do what they feel is ok for them to do and not what the world thinks you should be doing. At this time in my life the few simple things I named above that I accomplished today is a big change for me..I can actually think clear enough to complete some daily tasks. What a difference from a few months ago. I use to start at least 5-6 tasks at once and forget about them all. I almost started a fire in my kitchen because I started cleaning my room and forgot I was also cooking. people would go to get their laundry and i would have forgotten to dry it. Lets all take a minute today to give ourselves a pat on the back for what we ARE able to accomplish today instead of what we can't.

[lpRN13108]

This morning I started off with a feeling of loneliness. I get it often even when I am with others it feels like I am not connecting to them and am alone. Can anyone else relate to feeling this way? Well I don't want to fall into the same trap I did over the weekend of setting myself up to slip so I talked to a friend and made plans to meet today. I had such a good day yesterday that my sponsor told me to watch for the low to follow, and I guess I am starting to feel that today.
I started this thread so those of us in recovery could share our daily challenges and feelings, and lend each other support. I feel like I am always the one with the problems. I see many people read the thread. Please share some of your daily challenges too..you know how we nurses are we are in this field because we like helping people so lets help each other!

[lpRN13108]

Good Morning to All
Haven't been here for a few days so let me give you a quick update:
I completed my IOP last Friday. I was excited to be "Free" but also scared that I have more time to be "free to do what I want". Actually this time feels different. Since I picked up a week ago I have a whole new respect for my disease and the power it has over me and especially my mind. I realize that I may want the drink at times but I NEVER want what comes with it..the crazy feeling in my head after, the family/relationship upsets,and the sad lonely feeling that follows. I have been getting more active and involved with my new friends in AA. I look forward to going to the meetings and learning more. I get up everyday and ask God for help to get through the day without using AND without being a dry drunk too. I want to learn to LIVE my life not just suffer through it sober. I am volunteering at my district's assembly for AA this weekend and look forward to the fun and laughs I am learning to have with people. I finally found a place where they understand me and the strange way I think and behave..and it feels so good to feel like I belong somewhere. Of course things are still not going my way most days, but I am learning to remind myself that this is a good thing because my way got me locked up out of control. Just for today may we all have some peace of mind!

[lpRN13108]

I had another tough evening with the urge to drink on Thursday. I saw a Jack Daniels bottle in the Rite Aid pharmacy and it triggered my compulsion and obcession. Fortunately this time I did use the tools I was given, I called my sponsor who was not home, then I called a friend in AA and told her how I was feeling. I was driving home alone and did not trust myself not to stop and buy a bottle since there were 7 places on my way home where I could. She talked to me on the phone til I was home and then I went to sleep soon after getting home. The next morning I prayed for God to keep the obcession from me and I have not had that overwelming urge since. Weekends are especially hard for me because I live in the woods and there is nothing non-alcoholic to do. Does anyone else find the weekends more difficult? Do you have any suggestions about ways to pass the time? I mostly just sleep alot and I know that is not healthy for me.