Diverted at work and almost died

[TNTRN in Deep Doo Doo]

Greetings fellow nurses. I am is such big trouble I cant believe what I got myself into. I have been addicted to pills for at least 3 years. I went on disability 6 months ago, went inpatient for detox and did an CDIOP program. I never embraced the 12 step program. I believed that all I needed to do was detox and this addiction would go away. For goodness sakes, I have been an RN for well over 20 years and only just became addicted. We all know how addicting these medications can be so since I never exhibited addictive behavior in my life, I was sure this was simple an anomaly and once clean I would be fine...WRONG! I relapsed withing 1 month of completing my CDIOP and my addiction came back worse than ever before. I was taking over 20 norco 10/325 and 6 oxycodone 10mg daily! While working! Seeming to function well. I had severe difficulty in a relationship and sunk into deep depression. I started diverting Dilaudid every shift I worked, using between 4 and 6mg IVP while at work while still being fully functional. I detoxed off the pills using Suboxone about 2 months ago but when I came to work I couldn't keep my hands off the Dilaudid. I would take Suboxone on my days off then the day before I started my shift I would stop the Suboxone so I could get the full benefit of the Dilaudid at work. This seemed to work for a while but my work performance started to slip and I started getting sloppy with my diversion. At Christmas I had an emotional breakdown over a relationship issue. Another nurse and I diverted a huge sharps container and I took the entire content home. That night I came close to killing myself by overdosing. My girlfriend woke me the next morning informing me I was scheduled to be at work at 7amd but it was already 8:00. Somehow I managed to take a shower and get to work. I was in a total blackout since I used large amounts of benzos the night before, a drug I never took on a regular basis. Sometime at about 1:00pm I was pulled out of a patients room by the lead nurse and asked to submit a blood and urine test. I complied and went home after surrendering my badge. I was told I was on administrative leave pending an investigation. Within 2 days I checked back into rehab and called the BRN and self reported for diversion. I enrolled in a new CDIOP and have been attending NA meetings daily. I am taking medications for my depression. I filed for disability and contacted my union rep. At this point I have not heard back from the hospital. The BRN has not interviewed me for diversion yet. That will happen Monday I think. I am so scared. I almost died from this disease, now I'm looking at losing everything. I am totally committed to recovery this time. I have been humbled by this disease in ways only another addict can understand. I need help from any of you who could offer suggestions for me at this point. I know I need to stay in the program. I know I cant work around narcotics again. What should I tell the BRN? How much should I disclose? Should I wait till the hospital finishes its investigation? What can I expect in terms of working again? I know I have many skills that would be valuable to a hospital. I could work on an IV team or in the OR. I could work with outpatients. Many jobs are available that don't involve administration or access to narcotics. What is my future at this point?

[Freudian]

I was an anesthesiologist for ten years; I was treated for opiate dependence and attended AA for 5 years without anyone knowing about my history. I stopped meetings, and a few years later the addiction returned-- not in the OR where I handled the 'big drugs', but on vacation in the Bahamas at a little market that sold codeine over the counter! I came back to work scared to death, but didn't use... but six months later the voice in my head suggested that 'I am different now-- I could quit, so I am now in control'. This voice was the start of four months of complete craziness-- could have, even should have died... I ended up losing my job, license, career--- and almost my family.

The road back looked impossible back then-- but now it looks like nothing. But one day at a time it came back. I was monitored for over 5 years by the board (after three months residential treatment-- sold our vacation cottage to pay for treatment). After two years I went into residency in psychiatry; three years later I finished residency and now I am a psychiatrist in solo practice, and medical director of a large residential treatment center. It all just happened one day at a time. If I had tried to see the road ahead, I probably would have freaked out and run from it!

Just keep doing the next right thing, and focus on the important things in life-- and the rest will take care of itself.

Good luck!

[TNTRN in Deep Doo Doo]

Thank you for all your wisdom. I an starting a Nurse to Nurse peer program this Wednesday and have not missed a day without a meeting. I have not been inverviewed by the diversion program yet. They are supposed to call me tomorrow or Tuesday. I still have heard nothing from my work. They know my drug test was dirty but did not ask if I diverted...yet...which I did. I attended a (dont laugh) gay AA meeting, and at least 5 of the guys there were nurses. Being a straight male nurse I felt right at home with these guys LOL. I was invited by one of my co-workers who is in the AA program, but was not in diversion. I digress. Anyway, thank you again for your input. I was having panic attacks yesterday but for some reason today I feel at peace. What do they say? It's calmest before the storm...?

[Aaron C.]

TNTRN I hope that you will be able to get the help you need and remain successful in staying clean.

Freudian, thanks for the post. Sounds like you really hit bottom but were able to recover and become successful in helping others to do the same.

[dlf2007]

I haven't posted here in quite a while so just wanted to "check in". The stories you all write keep my addiction fresh. I'm lucky to be alive today with the amount of opiates and benzos I simultaneously injected, did PO, etc. I was sober for 17 years in AA, started diverting a work and well....you know the story.

I've been in my diversion program for just over 1 1/2 years (it's a five year program). My privileges have been restored all except for narcotics - which I hope to have in a few months.

I'm lucky because I owned a business for several years while nursing so had that to fall back on until I got my license. Once I had the license, I started working for a detox in the admitting department, working with insurance companies, admitting patients, etc. I'm still per-diem at the detox but did land a "regular" job as an MDS coordinator (ick - I hate it). But it's good for now until something else comes along. And it feels good to be working with my license again. It's like baby steps all the way.

My state's monitoring program has been a life saver. It's hard work, but it's the price I pay. It was overwhelming at first, but now I'm in the "groove".

I hope you all are doing well and thanks for sharing your stories.

[hppygr8ful]

Read your story with interest -no so long ago I was in your shoes. The best advice I can give you is don't get ahead of yourself. I know right now you are wondering what's going to happen to your license and ability to earn a living. Trust me all will be revealed in time. For now concentrate on your recovery. When I started Diversion I didn't believe in the 12 steps but I went anyway and tried to get it. Ultimately those steps saved my life and they can save you life too. Just be willing to hear the message. With re: to the BON just do what they tell you no matter how unreasonable it sounds. You can't fight them because you can't win that one so just humble yourself to the process. Collect disability for as long as you can. A psychiatrist can help you with this. Watch what you eat and drink,start reading labels now and don't put anything in your mouth that has even any remote chance of containing alcohol. Sauces are the worst culprit. I learned to order everything without sauce. I was in the program for 5 years and have been out since October '08. I am working as a nurse making a good income. Understand that everything the disease of addiction takes from you, you can and will get back in time.

Peace and Namaste
Hppy

[reese96]

I just wanted to reply to your posting. First let me say , my heart goes out to you as I have been in your situation. Two years ago I entered the diversion program in my state of residence, after being confronted by the nurse manager. I immediately reported myself to the BON and entered a partial inpatient chemical dependency program. I did not work for 4 months and put all my effort in my recovery for this period, attending NA meetings and counseling. When I felt I was ready to go back to work, I was so afraid, not that I would relapse, but of the idea that I would have to tell prospective employers about my addiction and about what led me to it. To my surprise, people were very understanding and I was offered 3 jobs in one week. Even though it was not in a hospital setting, which is what I love, but when you cannot administer narcotics, your options are somewhat limited. But , being able to work again is the important thing, and I am still able to care for people , which is what I was meant to do in life. I have been working now for 20 months and have even been promoted. I am finally taking my life back, and for the first time in years, I am seeing the person I used to be, and I never thought I would see that person again. Go to the meetings and go along with what the board asks of you , when you finish the program, your license will be intact, with no record. Most of all, take the time to care for yourself and your recovery. God Bless you , all is not lost.

[TNTRN in Deep Doo Doo]

Well, just an update. Since I first wrote, I have been attending daily meetings, 90 meetings in 90 days. I'm still going to CDIOP meetings as well. I'm enrolled in a “nurse to nurse” meeting once a week and I have remained clean. I spoke with the board and they have enrolled me in their diversion program, but I cant start till I'm off Suboxone. As of now, I'm taking 4mg BID. The intake nurse said I should be able to wean off that dose in 2 weeks. That will leave me with $80.00 worth of unused Suboxone lol. Once I start, she said I should plan on not working as a nurse in any capacity for at least 6 months. The program is about 3 ½ years long, but the last year is only random drug testing. I will need to meet before the DAC (Diversion Action Committee) in March or April and my road map will be spelled out at that time. I checked with my work and once my state disability runs out I (thank God) signed up for extended disability insurance that will pay me almost 70% of my base salary. I was pretty worried about being able to pay my bills but with this insurance I should be OK. Now the weird part. I have not heard one word from my employer. They have not terminated my position or reported me to the board. I'm wondering if they are just holding all their cards till I come off disability, then use it as a bargaining chip to not hire me back. Under other circumstances I wouldn't care, but I work for a large conglomerate and once black-listed from them, It's really difficult to find work (at least that's what I've heard). I'm still worried that they may file a criminal complaint against me for diversion but that falls under the category of “things I cannot change”. Funny thing, I really have come to embrace the whole AA/NA concept. I love going to meetings and working on my steps. Just for fun, last night I went to an AA meeting of people who had leather fetishes and were into B&D/S&M lol Once I surrendered, it all came so much easier. I have a scary road ahead of me right now, but for today things are going well and I really feel peaceful and am resting in the faith that this is just what I needed to get my life back on track.

[TNTRN in Deep Doo Doo]

Well, I just had my first DEC and the board is requiring me to go inpatient till I'm off Suboxone, then complete a 30 day residential treatment program. Now mind you, I have been taking Suboxone as prescribed by my Psychiatrist who is board certified in addiction medicine and have been taking all my medications as prescribed. I have not missed a meeting since I went inpatient Dec 31st, I have been complaint with drug testing, attending 3hour outpatient classes 3X/week, going to Nurse 2 Nurse meetings weekly as well as seeing my counselor weekly. Their moan sticking point is they will not tolerate me being on Suboxone and want me off NOW. I really don't have any recourse in this matter so I'm just laughing. I don't even know if the hospital will take me as a patient since I am not abusing anymore. Oh well, we will see.
Keep me in your prayers.

[nomorenothings]

Imagine you are stuck in the middle of nowhere going nowhere and you might be able to continue what is the best job in the world

take from one who retired from nursing and its not what you take or what you do its how you are tha tmakes all the diiference