[js_rn]

I am in my early 30's and have been struggling with addiction, most especially to cocaine since i was 19. I was always able to function however, and managed to earn a BA in psyhology and later a BSN and I remain enrolled in a master's program. My first job out of nursing school was in oncology, where narcotics were dispensed like tic-tacks. I am ashamed to say that although I was never cought, I freuquetly would take home unused narcotics. It was actually quite easy. The pharmacy would routinlely overfill IV bags. For example, a patient's Dilaudid bag would run out but there would still be 5-8 cc left in the bag. An emply saline flush syringe did the trick, and needles were freely available. Furthermore, because it had run out and the order had not been D/C'd, there was no need to waste. And when it was necessary to waste, I quickley learned that most other RN's were too busy to actually stand next to you and watch you dump it out, and I took advantage of this. Those times when I was watched, I was still able to divert through slight of hand.
After almost a year and a half, I left that job for various reasons, but luckily, I was never suspect. I took a job in a different line of nursing where narcotics were not used, but I still suffered from my coke problem. Working nights didn't help this. Finally, the inevetable happened when I showed up to work sick. ( I was actually sick for other reasons, but the point is moot.) Apparently enough eyebrows were raised that when I went to the clinic they asked for a urine sample. The rest is history.....recent history. As soon as the results were in i was terminated. No treatment options offered, just a pink slip. The up side is that I was only there for six months and I can easily leave it off my resume and say that just took some time off between jobs. Although they did assure me that this would be handled as a private matter and the policy is to not share any information with perspective employers pertaining to former employees even under the best of circumstances.
This is my proverbial rock bottom, although a friend (and former addict) joked that I look pretty good for rock bottom
I am not religious and am not interested in any treatment philosophy that would render me powerless and have me praying on a daily basis, but I obviously need some help in some form. Any thoughts?

[AmandaWIRN]

How do you plan on kicking you addiction without any "treatment philosophy"??? Sounds like treatment or rehab is exactly what you need!

[hppygr8ful]

I do have some thoughts - so I hope you are ready to hear what I have to say.

I too am an alcoholic/addict in recovery – I am an RN and have fought tooth and nail with addiction for almost 30 years of my life. Today I am 3 and half years sober life is good. Like you I never thought of myself as a religious person in fact I would have called myself agnostic if anything. I believe that this was partly due to being raised in a strict religious family that was quiet stifling at times. I believe that what many of us find off-putting is the fear that we may find out there is in fact something larger than ourselves. Something bigger than our selfish disregard for the safety of our patients, our petty resentments that keep us sick and of course the fear of finding out that a higher power might actually exist. The idea of becoming accountable for what we have always thought of as “Our business” is for some terrifying; I know it was for me.

While you may not want to admit to powerlessness you post is just a long history of the powerlessness you refuse to accept. Just the fact that you so cavalierly talk about stealing and using drugs as well as coming to work under the influence shows the disregard for your patients that I spoke of in the previous paragraph.

As far as being tested positive don’t kid yourself that this will not get to the board. While the hospital actually can’t reveal your problem in most states they are legally obligated to inform the Board of Nursing and they don’t have to tell you they are doing it. Once the Board is notified you will have no choice but to enter treatment or lose your license to practice. Even if you quit nursing and get a masters in Psych you won’t be granted a license there either. If you refuse treatment through diversion and have your license revoked. The fact that you are an addict will become public record for anyone to read. If you don’t believe me go to your States Board and look up revoked licenses is every gory detail is there.

Back to treatment philosophy’s; I was very resistant to AA and the whole God thing but the Board gave me no choice it was their way or the highway. I am a believer in the principles and steps of AA. I found that admitting my own powerlessness actually gave me great power over many aspects of my life that I used as excuses for my addictions.
I do believe in a higher power today. I rarely go to church because my God is not the kind that you dust off on Sunday. Though I make a practice of reading both Big Books I am not a big book thumper – If asked I am more than happy to tell you what I believe and you can take what you want and leave the rest behind. The 12 step philosophy in a nutshell is about putting aside our resentments forgiving ourselves and others and recognizing that we are just a small piece of a very large and complex puzzle. I recently had the opportunity to hold a beating human heart in my hands – It left me with no doubt that this had to be the result of more than an evolutionary accident..

There are treatment centers that use different non-religious approaches they are not even hard to find but even if you go though one if you ever have to stand before the Board especially if you relapse (and it happens all the time) They will just send to a 12-step based treatment.

This may not be what you want to hear but you can only hide for so long – I don’t believe that you have hit bottom. Bottom is that pit of incomprehensible demoralization that we all find ourselves in sooner or later. Think about it.

Peace and Namaste

Hppy

[CABAYRN]

Dear Js rn: Thanks for sharing your story. I do not know what state you are. I agree with hppyg8ful; if you are in California, for example, your drug use will most likely be reported to the board. However, I worked with a impaired nurse in Indiana and they never reported her, just asked for her resignation. If you honestly do not feel like you can get yourself into treatment, please go to a AA/NA meeting and keep an open mind about it. I am 23 days away from completing the CA diversion program (I did divert at work and did get caught) so I can share a little experience with you. I resisted AA for a long time and now, while I am not quite their poster child, apply many of their teachings to all areas of my life; not just sobriety. Please give it a try and best of luck to you.

[gratefulfan215]

Hi my drug of choice was cocaine as well. I live in an area where coke/crack is readily available and the temptation is always there, but I'm hanging in there because i am close to losing my rn license and I can't risk anything anymore, even though i used to use and just try and flush my system until i got caught. I got almost 60 days clean today. hang in there

[lpRN13108]

Thanks for sharing your story with us. I remember being in the frame of mind you are. Different drugs..same disease. I too have never been caught diverting and still have my nursing license, but the reason I became a nurse is to improve the quality of my patient's lives..for this reason I no longer put myself in direct patient contact. I was lucky enough to find a telephonic disease management program that I work from home. I am still struggling with my addiction too much to even think about trying to avoid the temptation of diverting meds. It sounds like you are still struggling alot with your own addiction from what you have said. I know denial is very strong, I tried to live with it for 22 years. I was first sent to rehab by my parents at age 15..of course I knew I wasn't like"those serious drug and alcohol abusers" in AA & NA. After my 30 days I got out and tried to moderate my use..that worked for about 1 month and then I was back to my addictive use and behaviors..Lying,cheating,stealing,skipping work,sexual permiscuity..you know all the things that make a good addict! So life went on this way through 2 relationships,2 kids 2 states and 5 houses..I was constantly trying to find something to make me feel happy..Finally in Dec. of 07 I just got too tired to keep looking..my disease convinced me I would never find it and I couldn't live without it..so I tried to end my life.
I have tried using my will and my plan to beat this addiction but all that got me was almost dead..no mother for my 2 kids, no wife for my husband..when you hit rock bottom you will know it..there will be no more denial and you will be willing to do ANYTHING to find a way out. I had 39 days clean without AA..then I forgot for 1 day how bad my previous experience had been and I picked up again..can you imagine a disease so powerful that I could forget trying to kill myself..an RN waking up in SCU to then be transferred to the psych. ward for a week..and I FORGOT! That is what I have found the most helpful with the "treatment philosophy" When I go to meetings I am forced to remember where I have been, the pain I have experienced, but also I hear stories about people who were just like me and through the work they have done in AA they now have happy,productive lives..and I want that too. I have tried every other way I can think of to find peace and happiness in my life..this is worth a shot too. I hope you do not have to experience pain like I did to realize that like it or not..you are powerless over your addiction.
LPRN13108