To: All Staff

From: Administration RE: Hospital Costs

In an effort to reduce costs this year, the following are
effective immediately. Please share this information
with your patients and physicians as soon as possible.

1. Food service will be discontinued. Patients
wishing to eat will want to get their families
to bring them a brown bag meal, or make their own
arrangements with Subway, Dominoes, etc. Coin
operated phones will be available in the patient
rooms for this purpose.

2. Our PBX operators have all been let go, so
if you are walking through the lobby and hear the
telephone ringing, please answer it.

3. We have found it necessary to make
substantial reductions in our transport team so we
are asking for the cooperation of all patients.
One transporter will take at least six wheelchair
patients at a time to Radiology, PT, and other
services. Please form a "train" by holding
tightly to the handles of the wheelchair in
front of you.

4. Our Emergency Room is really busy from 3 PM
to 11 PM, so if you can, please have your accidents
and heart attacks in the mornings or early
afternoons. This will really be helpful and will
help to reduce your wait.

5. To expedite surgery cases, all AM admits and
outpatient surgery patients are asked to report
to the hospital 3 hours prior to surgery. Please go
to Central Sterile and pick up a clean instrument
> tray and surgery pack and proceed to the Surgery
> Holding area. To help reduce drug costs, please take
> several Aleve prior to arriving at the hospital.
>
> 6. Patients anticipating the need for a bedpan
> can check one out in the gift shop. They will be
> available in a wide variety of colors and styles to
> meet the aesthetic and physical requirements of our
> patients. A deposit will be required but is fully
> refundable if the bedpan is returned clean.
>
> 7. To reduce the length of patient stays,
> nurses will have a choice of using in-line skates
> or skateboards. To expedite response to patient's
> needs and discharges, nurse call systems will be
> modified and will be wired to a collar worn by
> nurses, which will deliver a mild shock when
> pushed by the patient.
>
> 8. Taking a cue from the airlines, Respiratory
> Therapists will be replaced by oxygen masks
> which will, should the need arise, automatically
> drop from the ceiling over patient beds. If this
> occurs, please place the mask over your nose and
> mouth and breathe normally.
>
> 9. The hospital got a real sweet deal on
> surplus white waiters' jackets and these will be issued
> to all physicians. Doctors, we apologize in advance
> because the jackets already had a first name
> embroidered on the pocket. We will work with you to
> find a name that you can live with. If you are also
> on the staff at the University Hospital, we hope
> this won't be a problem. We recognize that in
> academic settings "length of coat status" is very important.
>
> 10. All first time moms are asked to volunteer
> to help out on the Pediatrics floor - not only
> will this reduce hospital costs, but it will give
> you a much needed experience and a dose of reality
> after ogling your own precious sleeping bundle of
> joy.
>
> 11. Housekeeping and physical therapy are being
> combined. Mops will be issued to those patients
> who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion
> exercises as well as a clean environment. Family
> members and friends of patients may also sign up to
> clean public areas to receive special discounts on
> their final bills. Time cards will be provided.
>
> 12. Plant operations and Engineering are being
> eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the
> TIME-LIFE "How to...."series of maintenance books.
> These books can be checked out from administration
> and a tool box will be standard equipment on all
> nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate
> of one volume every other month. We already have the
> volume "Basic Wiring," but if a non-electrical problem occurs,
> please try to handle it the best you can until
> the appropriate volume arrives.
>
> 13. Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be
> accommodated by only performing blood-related lab test
> on patients who are already bleeding.
>
> 14. Physicians will be informed that they may
> order no more than two x-rays per patient stay.
> This is due to the turn around time required by
> Walgreen's photo lab. Two prints will be provided
> for the price of one, and physicians are being
> advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if
> they want extra sets. Walgreen's will honor all
> competitor's coupons for one-hour processing
> in emergency situations, so if you come across
> coupons from other vendors, please clip them and
> send them to the Emergency Department.
>
> 15. In light of the extremely hot summer
> temperature and the high A/C bills that we received
> last summer, our new policy is to have fans
> available for sale or lease in the hospital gift
> shop. For those patients who do not wish to use
> electric fans, the old reliable handheld cardboard
> fans on a stick are free upon request.
>
> 16. As the cost of hospital gowns continues to
> escalate, we ask patients to bring their own
> pajama top which nurses will be happy to slit up the
> back for you. Pajama bottoms are not permitted on
> patient units.
>
> 17. On the way to the hospital, please stop at
> Target or Wal-Mart and pick up two sets of twin bed
> sheets. Should you require extra linens during your
> stay, coin-operated washers and dryers are available
> for patient use.
>
> 18. Administration is assuming responsibility
> for grounds keeping duties. If an Administrator
> cannot be reached by calling the Administrative
> Offices, it is suggested that you walk outside and
> listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed-whacker,
> etc.
>
> 19. All patients scheduled for a mammogram are
> to stop at "Hooters" for a preliminary breast exam.
> Should you have any questions regarding these
> cost-cutting measures, please let us know.
>
> Thank you for your cooperation.